Blackbird The Grey
by jigsawsl8n8
Summary: I am 18 years old, in love and in tears. I have done horrible things but I'm not sorry for them. I still feel guilty for one thing and I'll try to make it right. this is a sort of fictional autobiography since it's about me and I meet the saw characters.
1. Chapter 1

_**Blackbird the grey**_

**By Merel De Grauwe**

**author's note : first of all, this story is based on a drawing that a friend of mine made of me wearing a jigsaw cloak. second: I'm called blackbird the grey in the story since thats the literal translation of my name in english. and third : some things are based on my actual real life not much though but you could call it a fictional autobiography. and forth : ENJOY!**

**Epologue : Here I am**

So here I am, my arms are wrapped around the crying boy.

I imagine that it looks kind of strange since I'm so much smaller than him but still I'm trying to be the one comforting him.

So here I am, tears in my eyes and still I'm not sorry one bit about what has happened. I'm not sorry about anything, not even about helping John, not even about the fact that I'll feel guilty about doing this to Adam. I'm not sorry but still my cheeks are covered with salty tears.

So here I am, about to tell my story to the whole world; I'm guilty of a lot of things but everything I did was only ever meant to help people. I was well aware of the hurt I brought on so many people but I was even more aware of the purpose of everything.

So here I am my hands stiff from sweating, my tears falling down on the boy who slowly looks up at me. Eyes even more read encircled than mine. "why ?" is all he can ask.

So here I am and I start sobbing even more when I see his big green unbelieving eyes. I don't know how to tell him, I don't know how to explain to anyone at all why. There is no explanation for what happened, the explanation is hidden deep inside of my heart, where none can touch it. And it's impossible to transform it into words.

So here I am, shaking my head telling trying to explain the boy that there is no explanation. But he doesn't understand. And I don't understand it either.

So here I am, and there is no explanation but I can still try. I have to start from the beginning though, otherwise nothing will make sense.

So this is me, and this is my story.

**author's note: I know it's short but it's just the epologue and I'm already writing on the first chapter. I hope I'm finally gonna finish a story! but this is cool so I'll just have to force myself and if I don't force myself someone else will have too. I think Sarita will be one of the people taking that task gladly ;) my chapters tend to be very short but I hope that the next one will be at least a little longer than this one. review please :) because I'm asking so sweet ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Blackbird the grey**_

**By Merel De Grauwe**

**author's note: alright 2 chapters in one night, it's not too long either but it's still a little longer than the epologue. I hope you like it.**

**chapter 1: espacing the world**

"18 and already crazy. blackbird the psycho!" I heard Matthew say when I passed by him. I didn't turn around, pretended that I hadn't heard it. 'Damn basterd trying to hurt me all the time, but it's not going to work' I told myself before I felt tears running down my cheek.

And no matter how much I would like to keep refusing that he doesn't manage to hurt me, I now have to admit that he does.

But although I know it myself, there is no way anyone else can know. So I wipe my tears away, my head down, eyes focused on the ground and my shoulders hanging low, which makes me look even more small than I already am but non the less I step into my class, unnoticed between my classmates.

I felt Raven's eyes on me and turned my face to her. "did he do it again ?" she asked, concerned eyes looking right through me. I saw anger arise in those eyes when I nodded.

She patted me on my back and stood up from her seat, looking around where Matthew was sitting. I just huddle up on my chair trying to make myself even more smaller than I already am. I knew what was going to come and I didn't want it to happen but I knew it would no matter what I did. Raven was furious, with reason. I had to admit that. But no matter what she did it wouldn't help anyway.

"YOU!" Ravens voice echoed through the classroom, everything turned silent and I just kept looking at the ground. I didn't need to look up to know that Raven's accusing finger was pointing at Matthew. "YOU'RE A FREAKIN' BASTERD, YOU KNOW THAT?" her voice was shaking from the tears of anger she desperately tried to keep inside.

At that moment I decided that I would never look anyone straight into the eyes anymore. I would always look at the floor and try as much as I could not to attract attention ever again.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Hours had passed but I was still sitting in class, next to Raven, she was looking at the teacher but I wasn't. I wasn't even listening to the teacher's load talking.

The only thing I was paying attention to was my drawing. The hellraiser puzzlebox looked quiet cool, not perfect but not bad. I laughed at myself and wrote "we'll tear your soul apart" right above the drawing.

What would pinhead do with Matthew in hell I thought and made up a quick hellraiser story for him. I smirked at myself and shove it to Raven when the bell rang.

She smiled at me "you sadistic bitch. She said, her smile growing.

"thanks slut." I answered and we both started Laughing.

I smiled on my way home, it hadn't been that much of a bad day after all.

I took off my black boots when I stepped into my small crappy apartment. The only neat thing in my whole apartment were my dvd's. I looked at them with a smile before taking off my black leather (fake) Jacket and tossing it on my couch.

Black clothes shine on my body, I love them.

You might have gotten the impression that I'm an unhappy girl at first but I have to tell you that I'm not, school is just awful but from the moment I'm alone all is well.

I love being alone, I love the silence and peacefulness of being alone.

The world is a screwed up place, say that I said it. People repress everything and get frustrated, forgetting what a wonderful life they could have. But when I'm in my little apartment I can escape that. I can roll up into a ball on my couch and watch a movie, disappear into another world, even if it's only momentarily. And that's what I'm doing now. Crawling into the world of "Clive Barker's Candyman."

I was escaping from the real world a little bit too much though, since I didn't see the figure walking around in my apartment. I turned around and screamed as a man in a pigmask stabbed me with a needle. My screams faded away as darkness took over.

**author's note: yep I'm being kidnapped, but by who ? ( guess that's not hard to guess) but why ? review and you'll know ;) **


	3. Chapter 3

_**Blackbird the grey**_

**By Merel De Grauwe**

**authors note : I guess my chapters are growing, I hope it stays this way :) I hope you enjoy this chapter! and by the way I know the title is bad! I'm bad at making up titles, those things are the hardest of all damn it!**

**Victim or Apprentice**

A headache, that's what I felt when my consciousness returned. An incredibly awful headache. The strange thing is that I never drink. And if I drink I never drink much cause I don't like to be drunk, it scares me not to have control over your own body. So why do I have a headache, a hangover is excluded.

I open my eyes but I don't see anything. I want to rub my eyes with a fist but my wrists are stuck in something.

My senses are returning one by one and I can now feel belts restraining them to something cold, metal, I have to be sitting in a metal chair. And I was wrong before it's not dark in this room cause I feel a little bit of light coming through the blindfold wrapped around my eyes.

'this is not right.' I say to myself, but there is one thing I can't do and that's panick.

'you like kidnap stories don't you ? well there you go.' A voice in my head says. I tell it to shut up and try to think what I'm going to do about my current - not so good – situation.

"I have been observing you for a long time now, Blackbird" a raspy voice cuts my thoughts off roughly and I snap my head in the direction of the voice.

I hear clicking of light metal on the ground, right next to me. I guess he's sitting on a chair now, very close. Too close if you ask me.

"you're a quiet interesting girl, I must say. Intelligent, shy but much to sweet for this world." The voice is indeed very close now. It scares me.

"but nobody goes through life unflawed. You're flaw is big Blackbird, but I'm going to help you solve it." His voice sounds kind of menacing and I shudder.

"don't be afraid of me, Blackbird! I didn't bring you here to test you, I brought you here for a much more important reason." I didn't understand. Who was this man ?

"Amanda has too much emotions to deal with, Mark is thinking too much about his ego, and Jill… well Jill will never help me, she's to kind for that." He sighs than stands up, he walks to another side of the room. "but you, Blackbird, you're someone I could trust. If you agree to help me at least." It sounds like a question but I'm not sure if he wants me to answer.

"I… I don't understand." I'm shocked by my own shaking voice, if I could I would put a hand over my mouth.

"do you know who I am ?" he asks, his voice is a lot nicer now, as if he's having a normal, daily conversation with someone.

"no." I answer honestly. My voice is already shaking a little less, it seems like his friendliness has its effect on me, even if it doesn't make sense.

"I'm the man you call jigsaw." He says but it doesn't say anything to me at all. So I don't say anything.

The silence between us is killing us, it seems like he's waiting for a reaction from me.

"yeah, well I still don't understand." I say

"don't' you watch the news ?"

I shake my head "no, I never watch TV, just movies."

"I see" is all he says before silence takes over again. It's deadly, and it scares me. I like silence when I'm alone but I can't stand it when there is someone else, than it's just uncomfortable.

Jigsaw seems to feel it too since he interrupts the silence by saying : "well, than I guess I'll just have to explain you."

I nod, what else can I do than nod ?

"the world is a screwed up place, don't you think ? " he sighs, he's not angry, he's sad.

And again I nod. No matter if he kidnapped me – which makes him the biggest basterd of all of them – he's still right about that.

I hear him getting up, he takes something from a table and holds it to my ear. "listen to this, it's Paul's tape."

Click I hear when he – I guess – presses the play button.

"Hello, Paul, you are a healthy and sane middleclass male. Yet last month you ran a straight razor across your wrists. Did you cut yourself because you truly wanted to die or did just want some attention ? tonight you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to stay where you are, but if you want to live you'll have to cut yourself again.

Find a path through the razor wire, to the door, but hurry at 3 o'clock that door will lock and than this room becomes your tomb. How much blood will you shed to stay alive ?"

I was shocked, paralyzed, couldn't move. Did he really do this ?

This time the silence seemed to take ages but I didn't feel it. My world had stopped. I had to get out of here! I started tugging on the belts and screamed desperately for someone to help me. I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my eyes, the panic was occupying my whole body now and there is nothing I could do about.

I felt his hands on my cheeks trying to catch my attention. His hands were cold, as cold as his heart probably was. But my energy was leaving rapidly and I stopped screaming breathing heard. It was only then that I heard what he had been saying for a long time already : "calm down, Blackbird"

At that moment I really felt like a character in a movie, only characters in movies panic like that and get calmed down like that. But then again only characters in movies get kidnapped by a psycho who wants them to help him.

"don't you see it ? " he asks his voice almost excited. "there is a way to make this world a better place, but I'm no murderer, I'm no John Doe trying to give an example with 7 perfect murders. Every human life is sacred but by taking a valuable life, making them understand it, you at least help that person and hopefully still give some kind of example. Some people just have to go through it though. Once you see death up close than you know what the value of life is. I went through it, Blackbird. I know it works! And so does Amanda, I helped her! And I can help so much more people!" I could almost feel the smile on his face fading when he felt silent. "but I need help cause I'm about to die, Blackbird. And you're perfect. You need to help me!" his voice almost sounded begging and I didn't understand it. He didn't sound like a bad person.

My fear had faded away totally after those words, I don't know how to explain it but something snapped inside of my head something connected with my heart. 'he was right.' Rolling up into a ball on my couch to avoid this poisoned world wasn't going to help. I used to think that 1 person can't change anything. But now I felt like I could accomplish it. If I helped this mysterious men, maybe some souls– damn I already started talking like him, what an influence with those few words - could be saved.

**authors note: yep, he convinced me. and it should have been a lot longer cause it's unrealistic again, i'm convinced much too fastly but well I was already convinced that the world is a screwed up place he just had to convince me to do something about it. anyway review please!**


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